When I was in my early 20’s I dated a girl for several years because I was afraid of hurting her feelings by breaking up with her. Talk about being ass backwards! I wish someone would’ve had this talk with me back then… so here it is for you.
This whole fear of being seen as the "jerk" is a virus most of us catch. It’s all about dodging confrontation, putting on the "nice" act because we think it’s easier. What it actually does is let bad behavior slide, screwing up what we see as okay and what’s not. It’s a snowball effect of nonsense, and it compounds the issue.
Aim for honest respect over pointless pleasantries. There’s a big difference between the two.
When you’re playing nice, it’s all about making sure the other person walks away feeling good, even if it means bending the truth till it breaks. You end up enabling crap behavior, all for what? A pat on the back?
Being straight with someone means you respect them enough to give it to them like it is. You’re looking out for their best, not just their feelings.
On the flip side, when you’re polite, you are demonstrating behavior that is respectful and considerate of other people. Being respectful doesn’t necessarily mean telling someone something they want to hear. If you respect someone, you have regard for their feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions. Feelings don’t come first by default.
Let’s say your buddy James has a big work presentation next week. You’re at his house and he shows you the suit he’s planning to wear to the meeting. Sadly, the suit doesn’t fit him properly, making him look like a little boy wearing his father’s clothes. He asks you what you think.
If you’re trying to be nice, you tell him it looks “good,” totally avoiding the obvious just to spare his feelings. However, if your priority is respecting your friendship and wishing the best possible outcome for your friend, you are politely honest.
“James, are you looking for this suit to be baggy? I’m sure a tailor could fix that for you pretty quick.”
Pointing out that the suit may need some tailoring may be a short term embarrassment for your friend, but it’ll save him from a much greater embarrassment in front of his colleagues.
Consideration doesn’t mean leaving everyone feeling like they’re on cloud nine. It’s about respect, decency, and sometimes, the hard truth. Why sugarcoat? Reality’s the best teacher. Let's say you've got a teammate who’s not cutting it, or a relationship going nowhere. Dragging things out isn’t kindness; it’s cruelty in slow motion. You’re not doing anyone favors by keeping them in the dark.
So what does this look like in real life? There’s a way to say things without being an asshole.
1. Under-Achieving Employee
If someone is bad at their job and doesn’t improve, even after training attempts and coaching, why would you keep them in that position? At some point, they need to understand that they’re inadequate. It’ll cause them to put effort into improving, or find something they’re capable of and change careers. Leaving someone stuck in a job that they’re not good at, can’t earn from, and won’t grow with sounds pretty cruel.
In this situation, you have a couple options. Is their skill set better suited for another function at the company? Maybe suggest that. If not, have the honest conversation.
Let them know their performance is sub par, and they don’t have much of a chance of growing within the organization. Suggest another profession that may align with their skills. You can even open the door for them to leave on their own by making them feel like it’s their idea.
2. Romantic Partner
How about a girlfriend you don’t see a future with? Sure it’ll suck to break up with her, but why allow her to continue to pursue a dead end? If she’s failing in a few areas, best to let her know to see if she can adapt and satisfy your needs. Usually, she can’t because you’re incompatible… and that’s ok.
It’ll hurt her feelings when you break up. She will cry. But she will then be free to seek out someone she’s more aligned with. By being nice about it, you’re wasting her time. By being politely honest, you’re freeing her from a dead end, and giving her a chance to find her husband.
“I care about you and genuinely want you to find happiness, but I am certain this relationship cannot give me what I need... which means you will not find happiness with me. Instead of continuing down this path and wasting each others’ time, we should consider exploring new paths.”
She may ask you for reasons or examples, so if you want to be considerate of her feelings and give her some absolute closure, have one or two examples of genuine misalignment between you both that likely cannot be reconciled.
If you don’t love her, tell her. Don’t keep the door open.
3. Disrespectful Relative
Say you’ve got a problem with a relative. Every time they come to your house they are disrespectful; they don’t take off their shoes when they enter, and they proceed to smoke in your home. In an attempt to “be nice” you allow the behavior and excuse it.
A common lie we tell ourselves is “that’s just how so and so is”… and we move on, instead of addressing the issue head on. The reality of the situation is your house is dirtier and smellier every time this relative visits, and your small children are being exposed to germs and second hand smoke. The kids also now think it’s okay to leave their shoes on in the home, even when you’ve trained them to take off their shoes when they enter.
By ignoring the problems your relative is causing, you’re compounding your own problems… all in the name of your relative being happy. Seems illogical, doesn’t it?
The longer you let this bad behavior persist, the more difficult this conversation will be. You’re best checking this immediately. The moment they walk in, you can say:
“hey uncle Dan, you can put your shoes over here (point).”
Stating it in a very matter of fact, directional manner leaves no room for ambiguity nor resistance. If uncle Dan happens to push back, you can say “we take our shoes off so we don’t track germs into the house, so please respect that.” If this doesn’t work, you can escalate by asking him to stay outside, or let it go temporarily.
Some people don’t like to escalate in front of children or relatives. You can ask uncle Dan to speak with you “outside” or in a different room, then address the issue. If he still won’t honor your request, never invite him back.
4. Annoying Salesperson
Finally, here’s another situation we all encounter: salespeople. Yes, they can be annoying. If you have no intention of buying from them, failing to tell them this will only cause them to continue to call you. They’ll dedicate time in their day to attempt to sell you, when in reality that time can be better spent on new prospects. But because you’re afraid to have the difficult conversation for fear of being “not nice” the dance continues, and they’ll never hit their sales goal.
“I appreciate your persistence, but I will not be buying this product. You’re better served spending time on other prospects.”
They may ask you why you came to this decision. In contrast to the romantic partner example, you have less of an obligation to provide a reason, unless this salesperson did in fact spend a ton of time with you. If you want to be considerate of this salesperson, you could provide them with a definitive reason: price, quality, timing. Whatever reason you give will open the door to a new sales pitch, so be ready.
The best answer you can give is “I just changed my mind. Thanks.” The door is shut, and there’s no comeback from that.
As you can see, navigating these situations will require a level of respect and empathy for those you’re interacting. Does it mean you’re nice? No. Most people hate criticism and rejection. But they hate failing more. So, tell them the truth, even if it hurts.
At the time, they may think their story ends with you, but by being honest, you’ll redirect them on to a new path in pursuit of a new ending to their story. They’ll have hope. It’s an opportunity to start fresh, and imagine new outcomes. It breaks the cycle of wasted time and energy.
Bottom line: Masking the truth with a smile helps no one. It’s about building a life where respect, honesty, and genuine care are the foundation. That’s the real strength. Not the facade of niceness, but the courage to be real, for your sake and everyone else’s.
⁃ Your Big Bro