When it comes to understanding people, there's one rule that stands the test of time:
People will make time for the things they care about, and they'll make excuses to avoid things they don't care about as much.
Navigating the intricacies of human relationships can be a rollercoaster ride. It's perplexing trying to decipher what's really going on in someone else's mind when you can't read their thoughts (although that’s coming soon).
This lack of transparency is a breeding ground for mistrust, hesitation, confusion, and even a touch of paranoia. Whether it's with family, a romantic partner, a friend, or in the business realm, disruptions to your inner peace often stem from the mixed signals other people give us, and the expectations they fail to meet.
So, let's break it down and make life less confusing. Understanding someone goes beyond the words they speak—it's all about decoding their actions. The more time you spend with someone, the clearer their tendencies become. With that, you will “know” them much better, as their true self will be revealed.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a theory in psychology which uses a five-tier model to illustrate human needs and motivation. From the bottom of the hierarchy upwards, the needs are: physiological (food and clothing), safety (job security), love and belonging needs (friendship), esteem, and self-actualization. Maslow said that so long as basic needs necessary for survival were met (e.g., food, water, shelter), higher-level needs (e.g., social needs) would drive other behavior. It’s the brain’s way of prioritizing what we need to keep us alive, and thriving.
People who are hungry, thirsty, cold or tired will immediately seek food, water, shelter or a place to rest. The only time they will delay satisfying these needs is when they are facing extreme conditions which threaten immediate survival. If a tiger is chasing you, you won’t stop for a snack. Apply this rationale to your daily interactions with other people, and a window into their soul magically opens.
Actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to what people do, when they do it, and how often they engage in this activity. It’s not just what they say…
When someone truly cares about something (or someone), they'll invest time and effort. If they're avoiding a task or a person, making excuses for their behavior, or simply not showing up … that's your biggest clue. Take notice.
Let’s say you’re dating a new girl and she’s easy to make plans with. This means she’s seriously interested in you. It’s safe to assume she is arranging her schedule to prioritize spending time with you. No excuses, just actions. On the flip side, if she is hard to nail down, it’s because she is deciding whether or not she wants to prioritize you over something else.
That’s a tough pill to swallow, especially since we each have an ego. If it’s her job, studies, health, or family, try not to get too frustrated. She has things she needs to take care of, so don’t take it personally.
However, be real with yourself. While all of those things are important, finding a partner may rank 5th out of 5 for her.
How does that sit with you?
If you’re not ready to settle down and you’re dating other women, maybe you can keep her around and see her when she’s available. She’s your sixth or seventh priority, and you’ll only move her up in the ranking when she proves herself worthy.
As you get to know her better, you’ll be able to better assess her interest level in you. If this lady is difficult to get a commitment from because her health is her top priority, figure out what that means. You can’t fault her if she’s got an illness or an injury she’s trying to recover from. But, if she is going to yoga and Orangetheory six nights a week and can’t commit to seeing you for dinner, that’s because you aren’t important enough to her. Move on.
Don’t believe me? Consider this example. Let’s say you normally meet your bros after work to lift weights. Would you change your plans if Sydney Sweeney wanted you to take her on a date? Yes, you likely would, because the thought of dating her excites you. You view it as a valuable opportunity, so you’d prioritize it. But, if you had a chemotherapy session scheduled, you’d probably decline … because your life depends on the session more than a date with a Hollywood starlet. Before you get salty that a woman is tough to get a commitment from, take the time to consider all the possibilities, and use that time to learn her tendencies.
On top of this, remember that confusion is inevitable. We can't always know what's going on in someone else's mind. Instead of worrying about what other people are thinking, embrace the uncertainty and focus on your own feelings. Stay true to your principles, and let the chips fall where they may. After all, this is the only factor you can control.
Speaking of dating, it may not make the most sense to put all of your eggs in one basket, especially if she’s flaky. So, be honest with yourself. Stop worrying about whether or not she will reply to your text, and instead be proactive and fill your time with other meaningful people and things. This will prevent you from hanging on her every word and driving yourself crazy with anxiety. You’ll lower your neediness levels and recalibrate yourself to the things that drive you.
No matter what happens, trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. Your brain is processing a lot of information all the time, much of which is done in the subconscious. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s because your brain is picking up clues and noticing inconsistencies you are not consciously aware of. Trust your own wisdom, for in the realm of relationships, this wisdom is your best guide.
It's essential to maintain your inner peace, no matter if there is a storm of confusion around you. Remember, you have the power to choose your reactions. Embrace the uncertainty, trust your instincts, and surround yourself with people who align with your values. When someone wants to spend time with you, they will make the effort. If you’re not that important to them, they’ll make the excuse.
- Your Big Bro