Whenever I hear a guy say “I’m just looking to settle down…” or “I really want to be in a serious relationship,” I follow up with one question. I ask him about this lucky lady, and I ask what’s holding him back from proposing.
Usually, he looks back at me with a lost, confused look in his eyes, dumbfounded.
The most common reply I’ll get is: “Well, I don’t have a girlfriend.”
Logically, I am absolutely flabbergasted by this response. If you don’t have a solid partner, why on God’s green earth would you be thinking about settling down? Being in a serious relationship should be the last thought on your mind if you have no prospects. This line of misguided thinking is akin to a five year old girl dressing in a Disney Princess dress and hoping Prince Charming will come along and sweep her up off her feet. It’s the stuff of childish fantasy.
Brothers, it's time we settle back into reality and push aside the myths clouding our vision about what it means to yearn for a romantic relationship. Too many men wander through life, longing for a connection not yet rooted in reality. They seek an idealistic relationship without the cornerstone: a person worthy of sharing that bond.
Inspired by the realistic concept that one cannot truly yearn for a relationship without the presence of someone who embodies the virtues of a worthy partner, we embark on this discussion.
The Dream vs. The Reality
"You're longing for some perfect scenario," is a notion that mirrors the fantastic, yet juvenile tales spun by Disney. In the harsh light of day, such dreams dissolve. This brings us to our first anchor of truth, from none other than Theodore Roosevelt, who once declared:
"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."
Roosevelt's wisdom reminds us that longing for an ideal without facing the trials of reality leaves us in a twilight of existence, neither truly living nor learning. As you daydream about this conceptual “perfect woman”, remind yourself that what you may believe to be perfection might not actually be what you need in reality.
Self-Sufficiency: The Bedrock of True Partnership
"Am I incapable by myself? What’s missing?"
Before embarking on the quest for companionship, meditate on these questions. The journey toward a fulfilling relationship begins with self-sufficiency. A man must cultivate his garden, ensuring that he is complete, not in anticipation of someone else, but for his own sake. Only then can he share his completeness with another, rather than seeking to fill a void.
Ernest Hemingway, a paragon of rugged individualism, encapsulated this sentiment perfectly when he said:
"There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self."
This pursuit of personal excellence is the only longing one should entertain. It prepares one for a relationship not out of necessity but from a position of strength and mutual respect.
You’re single and alone. Yes, there may be times where you feel lonely, but consider it an opportunity to improve yourself, free of distractions and obligations. This is the boot camp era of your life; embrace it.
The Science of Connection
Turning to the realm of science, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology illuminates the path. It suggests that individuals who are self-fulfilled and have a strong sense of personal identity are more likely to engage in healthy, lasting relationships.
This empirical evidence underscores the importance of focusing on self-improvement and personal achievements before seeking a romantic partnership. If you’re not the best version of yourself, what makes you think you’ll attract your ideal partner?
Above all things, women are attracted to confidence… and confidence can be built by evolving into a better you.
The Arrival of the Worthy Partner
When a person enters your life demonstrating the qualities of a good partner—integrity, empathy, resilience, and shared values—then, and only then, should the thought of "settling down" take root. This isn't a concession to societal norms but a conscious choice made from a place of strength and mutual respect.
Waiting for a partner who complements your life rather than completes it is the essence of a relationship worth pursuing. There is no need to rush things! Find comfort in knowing that if it all works out, you will be together until the end of your days. Better to be patient and make the right call than rush to act and be stuck in a terrible relationship.
What it Means for You
In the pursuit of a romantic relationship, let us not be distracted by the illusion of idealistic love. Focus on forging yourself into the man you're meant to be. In doing so, you prepare the soil for a relationship that grows from shared strength and respect.
Remember, brothers, the world doesn't need more dreamers caught in the web of idealistic romance. It needs strong men, grounded in reality, ready to build connections that are as real and enduring as they are.
In the end, any longing for a relationship before meeting someone who demonstrates the qualities of a good partner is, indeed, just daydreaming.
So, let us wake from these dreams, fortified by our own character, ready to meet the world and, perhaps, a partner worthy of the journey alongside us.
-Your Big Bro
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Thanks bro, I needed to hear and read this. I either get caught up in this fantasy world or give up due to all my "bad luck", health, age, or other "real" or perceived deficiencies (i.e not able to work or provide financially).